Gif via Google

Dear Sam White of Dear White People,

You're annoying. Like, annoying as hell to be specific. Never has any protagonist caused me to be so fatigued with the act of rolling my eyes. Honestly, I think I broke a record with the amount of times I spent sending my eyes so far back into my brain. And I'm a black woman - rolling my eyes is basically 20 percent of who I am!

How dare you take that from me?!

Just kidding about the level of eye rolling, though my flair for the dramatic did manifest itself in a never ending series of exasperated sighs, huffs, and, "OH, GIRL"'s.

So, about Dear White People.

While not awful, it's premiere season on Netflix did not come without faults. Yes, I am aware the show is a satire about "being a black face in a white place", but I couldn't help but notice its first season falls victim to some of the very same things it critiques.

My biggest issue: Samantha "Sam" White.

I'm not entirely sure if Sam White was created with the sole purpose of being a caricature of the annoying, preachy, contradictory blacktivist, but if  such were the purpose, shouts out to Justin Simien - he did a great job.

Why'd you try to clown Kelsey for wanting to date white men while also secretly dating a white man?

So much for preferring a man like a, "cup of Kenyan coffee", which...GIRL, it's never that serious. Liking a white guy, dating a white guy, hell even marrying a white guy does not negate or diminish your blackness. You being a black person is enough.

Still don't count the self-hating ones though.

(Not kidding.)

Why'd you try to come for Coco's wigs and weave when you traded in your straight hair for an afro after joining the Black Students Union (BSU)? 

That tired stereotype of bringing out the afro once you become more *gags* "woke" is lame. Yes, black hair and choosing to wear it in its natural state within white spaces is seen as a political statement, however this form of dictating who is more "woke" via the lamest litmus test ever needs to stop. 

Ya'll never heard of protective styling? In 2017? LOL, bye.

Why is your form of militant blackness the only true way to be black?

Not everybody wants to be a martyr for the cause, to be a Negro and conscious in today's global society holds enough rage, mental health issues and poor coping mechanisms to last nearly 200 years.

*stares into camera like The Office*

You see, it's easy to talk about dying for The Great Cause when you've never actually been seen as a threat and the threat itself has never presented itself to you. The anger is valid, but the expression of it is not limited to or legitimized in the form of marches, protests and rallies.

Are you aware that your "wokeness" is performative?

Like most of the other activists who got their "I'm an expert in -ism" degrees from Tumblr.com, you don't actually care about educating people for the sake of educating them, you just want to appear smarter than the common man. Masking reactionary responses as 'revolutionary' and weaponizing social justice jargon so people will be convinced that you're better than them. 

Coco is clowned for learning how to finesse the system that is Whiteness and forging a seat for herself at their table (hopefully with the intent to burn that mothafu*ka down) and yet she understands - and plays - the game of racism better than you. Like I said, though your anger is valid, its near constant presentation teeters on performance art. Mixed girls burden, I suppose.

Gif via davis-viola

Did you know your version of ideal blackness objectifies the black body?

Now why would you press Reggie about sharing his spoken...word...poem the day after he LITERALLY ALMOST DIED. That is super messed up, man. We're putting The Cause over mental health and well-being in 2017? 

The good sister Coco was crying and everything, telling her story about living on Chicago's south side and seeing people - not movements - killed on the daily, and you're trying to start a rally. Relax, sis.

You know half the sh*t you get away with is, in large part, due to the fact that you're a light-skinned, biracial, green-eyed conventionally attractive woman?

No diss to Logan Browning (loved you since the "Bratz Movie" and Meet the Browns days, girlie) but let's be honest for a second. Sam can get away with her incessant ranting about blackness and oppression because, what? She's not seen as a threat. If her character background in the show is congruent to that of the film, she is an attractive, palatable, light-skinned biracial woman. That she clearly has some reckoning to do with her own proximity to whiteness would be worth watching in Season 2, as I would love to know how the fairly regular girl who first entered Winchester with straight hair, a big smile and a twinkle in her eye so bright it could rival a freaking Disney princess became its militant harbinger of racial inequality. 

I would also love to know why she's at the forefront of Winchester's black progression movement and not Joelle, whose thoughts are pretty much a mirror image of Sam's. 

Also, also, I would love to know why Coco and Kelsey were chosen and posited as the anti-Sam.

Just...some questions...

Some Grievances:

Why the hell couldn't any of the dark-skinned sisters get love? 

Exhibit A: Why is Joelle stuck on Reggie's one-dimensional ass? It's either the movement, or Sam with him, seriously what else is there to like? Yeah, he's cute and all, but his personality kind of sucks and him being stuck on stupid with Sam is a huge turn off. 

Also, his personality freaking sucks.

Guilt-tripping Sam into having sex with him (let's not fake like that's not what he did) and then gloating about it in front of Gabe was a fuckboy move of the highest degree - he seems like a lech.

And, uh, any black man who boasts about marrying a dark-skinned woman and making ashy babies with them while actively chasing after only light-skinned women gets a side eye from me.

Just like a [redacted].

Also, kind of tired of seeing this be the standard for Black love in both television and film.

Sidebar: If they put Joelle and Reggie together as a pittance because Sam didn't want him, I'll sue.

(I will not sue, but I'll be spittin' mad enough the idea will seem tempting!)

Exhibit B: Though I understand Coco liked Troy for the "power couple, black dominance in white spaces" dynamic, why did that confession come after we saw the freshman year flashback, where she was crushing on him and he was taken by - and with - Sam? 

Why did that confession come only after Coco finally got the guy she wanted after being ignored by the rest of the black guys and fetishized by the white ones? 

WHY did that confession have to come after that cute scene where he rips her wig off during sex and assures her that, it's okay he likes her for her?

WHY DID HE RENEGE ON THAT STATEMENT JUST TO FAKE LIKE HE NEVER CARED FOR HER OUTSIDE OF SEX?!?!?!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS TO GET YOUR WIG RIPPED OFF DURING SEX?!?!! AND FOR THE SAME MAN TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY, HE STILL LIKES YOU FOR YOU?!?!!?! AND THEN HE PUT ON A DURAG TOO?!?!? CAUSE #BLACKLOVE?!!!! WHY?!! WHYYYYY?!!?!?!?!

Quick to wife up girls like Sam and sleep with girls like Coco behind closed doors.

[Redacted] ain't shit, man.

Exhbit C: And Kelsey...poor, poor Kelsey, all she had was her puppy.

Who the hell greenlit the token African character? And why was he token? Diaspora unity doesn't exist in this world?

As a first-generation American borne to Cameroonian parents, that actor's "African" accent was offensive and offensively bad. If they weren't going to hire an actual African actor from the continent or at least invest in some heavy vocal training, he could've just been a first-generation American! We still have links to our indigenous peoples. 

Also, that "click-click" joke about African languages??? Who on the cutting room floor said that was okay? Or was that meant to highlight the divides in the black community? 

Did I just open my third eye?

Who decided to make Nia Long a lesbian? And why?

Again, no diss to Black National Treasure Nia Long or the black lesbians, but...eh. She wasn't selling it for me, and her character really wasn't a necessary addition to the first season's story.

What is Troy's story?

He kinda hates being the model minority and wants to do...what, again? Smoke weed in the bathroom? Travel the world? Become a liberal arts major? I genuinely cannot remember. In the movie, him dating a white girl was far more interesting than whatever it is he was doing on the show. 

I did enjoy his friendship with Lionel, though, and truthfully, he's actually a pretty cool character and eerily reminiscent of myself three months post-grad.

I do want him to fight his father, though.

Reggie Green freaking sucks.

No exposition here, I just hate him.

I'm kind of sad they killed Thane.

I know Gabe is meant to be the White Ally that experiences bouts of white liberalism, but I really would've loved if Thane took on that role too. At least from a different angle.

Notice he was a subverted stereotype on Black Male Athletes at PWIs Ivy Leagues: dumb, but good enough at catching, throwing and running to get into college. They really didn't have to do him like that, I enjoyed him.

(he was also the only white male on the show I didn't want to choke besides Gabe) 

Speaking of neglected characters: Where's Joelle's story?

I need to know more about her, cause I have a feeling I'd love her, and we'd be besties in real life.

So long as she's not EXACTLY like Sam.

Colandrea "Coco" Conners is really THAT bitch, and Lionel Higgins is the best male character. 

If you disagree, we can fight.

I want to see more of Joelle, Coco and Sam being friends.

Because black sisterhood, and I feel like the reads and shade between the three would make for a very funny, RHOA-esque dynamic. 

FIN (for now)

So, in summation: Reggie Green is The Worst Sr., Sam White is The Worst Jr., and everybody else who is not Lionel, Coco and Joelle can choke.

(But, not die, because I need to see where the story goes in Season 2)

Sincerely,

Simone.