When I was a little girl, there was nothing I craved more than being seen as good in the eyes of 'the big people'. Even as a small youth, I could not be bothered by or with the opinions of my classmates - popularity and acquaintance exclusivity had no bearings on someone who possessed the ability to be friendly with anyone. No, I wanted the adults in my life to see me as an angel-in-training, the pinnacle of goodness, purity and quintessential girlhood. I thought by performing goodness I would be worthy of goodness, and for a long while it was an easy enough lie to believe.

The reminder to constantly be on my very best behavior has been drilled and instilled into my psyche by the single Cameroonian parent who had spent 20 years clothing, feeding, housing and raising me. She was doing what she knew - what her mother had taught her, what her mother's mother had taught and so on. So I carried that with me, and any diversion from the path she and my father had originally drawn out for myself and my sisters was met by something worse that a slap on the hand - disappointment. An instant shame, a reflection of their inability to parent me successfully.

Honestly speaking, once my parents separated, the guilt and resulting fear of embarrassing my mother in front of anyone who was not an immediate family member did a pretty good job of keeping me in line.

I mean, not FULLY in line but, in public I was well enough behaved that I never became classified as being 'at-risk' or 'wayward'.

But as I begrudgingly sit here and reflect, I must admit guilt tripping played a huge part in my need to perform and be seen as nothing short of supreme goodness.

How dare I leave my home and embarrass my family? As much as they already do for me?!

This and various other ways of ensuring my 'i's' remained dotted and my 't's' stayed crossed became a second language to me - a way in which others could ensure control over my behavior. You see, the teenager who performed and understood that this form of passive aggression was a fairly mild way of dealing with a child as hyperactive and inquisitive as grew up and realized the stone cold truth.

As a quick aside, I would like to say, fortunately, my life was and is not on the level of emotional manipulation as seen in the film Precious. Guilt trips were mainly weaponized whenever it was my turn to was dishes or sweep the bathroom. I the wild middle child who sat in front of the television in a comfortably air-conditioned living room instead of defrosting the chicken - as instructed - before my mother came home from a long day at work. My parents were separated and we were all adjusting to new dynamics - go figure.

Now back to what I was getting to.

I am now 23, and turning 24 in nearly two months. After years spent observing and being part of all forms of intimate relationships, I have come to realize there is no weapon of control more casually utilized than the guilt trip.

For those who don't know or are unfamiliar with a guilt trip - it is the way in which individuals weaponize guilt as a way to emotionally manipulate others into doing something you would, typically, not do. It is weak, it is passive aggressive and it is played.
I'm unsure if it is a communications or control issue, but it is an issue. And before you roll your eyes up to Jesus and his band of 12 about something you consider to not be 'that deep', according to the world's greatest unreliable source, Wikipedia, bestselling author and clinical psychologist George K. Simon interprets it as a special type of intimidation tactic. A way to keep the victim in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.

That is deep.

The older I get, the more I am constantly reminded of how frustratingly intertwined our lives are. Sure, we are individual, but our actions have the potential to create this insane butterfly effect and that is so frustrating.

With age came the realization that if I want, or am, to f*ck up, the potential for consequence is no longer limited to me.

As has been historically shown and I have come to realize - the more I communicate my feelings, the more transparent I become and, thus, am able to impart good. Harboring negativity, participating in any kind of negative behavior is counter productive for just who I am becoming, and I find it important to share because we really never stop growing. We never stop learning.

I have been awakened to some of the harsher realities of my lived experience, and in this case, shaken up by the one which had me believing my goodness was a genuine affect and not a performance which had been manipulated out of me.

I am problematic, I am human and I am trying for me. Not because I have been strong armed into anything - but because I legitimately want to.

I will not be made to feel guilt for growing up and seeing the plot. If I am good, it is because I decided I wanted to be.