Being the one to carry the torch ushering in a new era or figure of representation seems like the most exhausting, anxiety-ridden, stressful honorific ever.

I've recently noticed that every time it is announced that a black actor/writer/director/cinematographer/musician/athlete/etc. becomes The First to achieve award-worthy commendation within their field, my feelings of joy become dampened by a malaise I cannot shake.

Of course, I love to see black folks winning, but the thought of living up to a standard and title which has been thrust upon you no longer seems ideal, but rather more like a dull headache.
We are told these kinds of things should be a privilege, that we should be proud of being The First, but my God, could you imagine the pressure? The immense responsibility? Factoring in the expectations of others on top of the expectations you already have for yourself?

All I'm seeing is stress.

Alongside that, the expectation to maintain nothing short of supreme excellency on a consistent basis is always placed on minorities.

It feels like we as marginalized people (which I say in this instance rather than black people only to expand the dialogue) must always follow one architecture or narrator of success. And if such designated person shuns the ideal of becoming a role model within their marginalized community, they are typically met with name calling and other derisive statements making it appear as though they have transcended their status.

Not always the case.

The thought of undertaking pressure from all sides in order to live up to the new checklist of excellency is something - I can admit - I would not be able to handle.

Imagining having millions of people looking up to me, asking me for advice on just how to reach my same Mt. Olympian platform of success, and the constant expectation of being this great, perfect thing is just...it all seems really hectic.

Though I am very happy at the strides black people and other minorities have taken to continually prove their eminence in fields which typically do not feature them, being the first is starting to read like the phrase, "heavy is the head that wears the crown."

I like knowing that my shortcomings will have no impact on anyone but myself.

Regardless of my own wary feelings, I'm still here for all the black people (and other non-anti black people of color) shining and pushing through!


Thank you for opening the doors.